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Politics is like a can of tuna
Sheylara - When I received this topic a few days ago, I was rather thrilled. I thought to myself, "Yes! Here is an opportunity for me, with my very first Star Blog assignment, to impress readers with my startling ignorance of American politics (and, in fact, any sort of politics, excepting the politics of tuna sandwich making, a subject on which I can debate very passionately because I hate tuna). Tuna, you see, cause harm to dolphins by using them as shark shields. It leads to said dolphins becoming entangled and hurt in nets designed to capture said tuna, which proves that tuna are pretty stupid. In their avoidance to become shark lunch, they end up as human lunch.
All of which, of course, has nothing to do with my hatred towards tuna. It's just that I don't like the taste of it. This leads us right into the discussion of the coming US presidential election, through the devious reasoning that both candidates must have, at least once in their lives, eaten tuna. And this is a very important issue for Singaporeans because tuna features largely (although not as large as in Italy) as a key ingredient in our sandwich catering businesses.
In order to validate the psychic ability I'm boldly claiming to possess, I made a couple of Google searches. A search for "John McCain, tuna" yielded a result of an article titled "Maverick McCain Orders Tuna Salad When Everyone Else is Getting Turkey" . It is reported that Senator McCain is a brave soul for daring to do the unpopular thing by ordering tuna even though the special of the day was turkey.
Okay, fine, it's only a piece of satire, but examine yourself honestly and tell me it couldn't possibly be true. A search for "Barack Obama, tuna" turned up the top title of "YouTube - Obama - Making Some Lunch (Tuna Fish Sandwich)" . Here is a heart-warming, family-promoting video which MCYS would be proud of, which I also predict will have enough clout to garner Obama a 100% vote count from the tuna retail industry, assuming that tuna executives have time to watch YouTube videos after fighting wars with dolphin-loving activists. The result of my brilliant sleuthing work only proves one thing: That, no matter how old or how young you are, you can run for US president. Now that I've impressed you enough with my knowledge and insight into the lives of the two presidential candidates, I will now make an official stand on where my vote lies: With the dolphin. Yes, vote for the dolphin. It is peace-loving, and the world could use some peace policies. Although war hardly ever comes to Singapore, petrol prices go up and the number of ERP gantries increase each time an innocent is killed in Iraq. I just know the dolphin would do the right thing and write to LTA to request for the abolishment of ERP altogether. And if John McCain would agree to also put his signature on that letter, I would vote him for Vice-President because he has worked very hard all his life, first by being a legendary war hero and then by being a highly-regarded politician who lost the presidency eight years ago. In fact, I say, give the man a beer. A Budweiser, to be more specific.
If he fails again this round, I fear that he may not live to try again, and the beer will help some. Still, judging from the flattering press photos of him which you're seeing everywhere you go, even under your bed, for some inexplicable reason - and I can't imagine what on earth you're doing down there - the beer-bedding Senator looks like he still has the energy and vigour to live through a thrash metal concert performed by his 16-year-old, Bridget.
Therefore, I feel that Senator McCain will be a good role model for future leaders of the world (that is, us). Today's youth is obsessed with two things: Borrowing our parents' credit cards (without telling them) to pay for our eBay and Amazon purchases, and anti-aging. While we won't be able to get our paws on McCain's credit cards without earning, at best, a spot in the trenches of Iraq or, at worst, the death penalty, we can all learn from his miraculous ability to look nothing like his 72 biological years of age. 72-year-old Senator John McCain looks, at the very most, 71. At times, he even looks like three. If you're not convinced, I shall give you another reason to vote McCain: Sarah Palin, a beauty queen turned politician.
Alaska Governor Palin is the Senator's side kick and what a side kick she is. She injects hope in beauty queens of the world (all of whom are taught in beauty queen school to advocate world peace) that they may one day assume offices of great power by citing moose burger as a dinner favourite. (If you're a Singapore beauty queen politician world saviour wannabe, you might want to say chilli crab instead of moose burger if you don't want to be accused of memorizing and regurgitating answers out of context.) ((Come to think of it, Governor Palin would fit right in in Singapore.)) So, it's very important to consider this proud hockey politician mom as a role model because our government wants us to have more children so that we can stop importing foreign talent. Palin has five children, which makes her a good citizen by Singapore's count. She is, therefore, worth our vote on exactly five counts. So far, I have been touting only the merits of dolphins, McCain and Palin. A good article requires balance, which means I need to find something bad to say, too. Okay, I've got it. I shall attempt to be a model of impartiality by now saying something bad. About Barrack Obama. He endorses tuna.
Well, I don't like tuna, you remember. So, there you go. I have cast my vote (even though I'm not legally allowed to, seeing as I'm not an American citizen, but I think we should all be allowed to, since every decision made by a US President could cause little ripples to appear in our little manmade ponds in our little manmade parks). If I get my way, we could then invite President Dolphin to come swim in our ponds (guaranteeing no tuna and nets), while McCain and Palin do the tough work of saving (or destroying) our world. McCain probably won't want to visit Singapore, even if we promised him a very clean pond, because Singapore happens to be among the 22 countries polled last month that said they would vote for Obama. The poll people should have called me. I would have told them exactly what I thought of tuna. |
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